Gender Bias in Parenting: Fatherhood Stigma and the Challenges of Being a Full-Time Dad

Ask Steven Lange what he does for a living and he might say he’s involved in start-ups, works from home, or is semi-retired. But he’s less likely to describe his most accurate role. “I’m a stay-at-home dad,” admits the 52-year-old, who spent 30 years working in branding and product development before deciding to become a full-time carer for his children in 2020. “However, I don’t think I would ever introduce myself that way,” he adds. “I often feel the need to explain that I’m not just folding laundry, cooking dinner, and going grocery shopping. I have other responsibilities.”

Despite recognizing the benefits of his situation – such as fostering a closer relationship with his teenage son, being present to help with his new grandchild, and allowing his wife to pursue a master’s degree – Lange still experiences self-consciousness and societal judgment about his role as a stay-at-home dad.

Stay-at-home fathers like Lange are becoming increasingly prevalent, with the number in the United States nearly doubling between 1989 and 2012. However, they remain relatively uncommon, with only 5.6% of US families with opposite-sex, married parents having non-working fathers and working mothers, compared to 28.6% with non-working mothers and working fathers (although this figure includes those who are unemployed but actively seeking work). In the European Union, the situation is even less common, with only about 1 in 100 men taking at least six months off from their careers to care for their children, compared to 1 in 3 women. This rarity can make men who choose to stay at home feel like outsiders and can result in harsh judgments. Although fathers are now expected to be more involved in parenting than in the past, they are still typically expected to be the breadwinners of the family and are often stereotyped as being less nurturing or domestically skilled than mothers. Consequently, fathers like Lange can feel isolated and different, despite being content with their choice to stay home with their children.

I feel like I’m being watched at times

In countries such as the United States and Australia, the ideal father is expected to be more involved in his children’s daily lives than in the past, according to Brendan Churchill, a senior lecturer in sociology at the University of Melbourne who researches fatherhood. However, “the male breadwinner model lingers. It is reinforced daily in our culture. Think about the advertisements on television or in the newspaper that reinforce the nuclear family of four,” he says. “It also persists in our social policy frameworks, even though there’s been a lot of change. Our reference point is still that family of four with a male breadwinner.” For instance, in most countries, maternity leave is still far more generous than paternity leave.

This cultural belief that fathers should “protect and provide” can create an insidious narrative in the minds of stay-at-home dads, even those who believe they are best suited to contribute to their families as the primary caregiver.

“I never imagined myself going to college and having a fancy career while in high school. I was always so excited to be a dad,” says Spencer Bouwhuis, a 25-year-old from Utah, US. “Being a stay-at-home dad has always been my dream.”

However, he never felt comfortable sharing this dream with others while growing up. In his community, which is predominantly made up of members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the traditional model emphasizes that fathers should provide for their families, while mothers should take care of the home. When asked what he wanted to do as an adult, he would say he was unsure. “I didn’t think I would get a positive response if I told the truth,” he says.

Bouwhuis works seasonally, building decks. As winter approached in 2021, he and his wife decided that he would stay home for a few months to care for their six-month-old and two-year-old children. Despite facing the same challenges as any stay-at-home parent – including an early period of burnout from trying to juggle cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child-rearing – he loved being a stay-at-home dad, he says.

Although Bouwhuis has returned to paid work, he remains the primary caregiver for his children at least one or two days a week, a division of labor that makes sense for his family. He explains that his wife has more of a drive to work outside the home. Nevertheless, he sometimes finds himself struggling against the messaging he grew up with: “I just feel like I should be the breadwinner, and I should go out and work [full time].”

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Eric Taylor, a 43-year-old PhD candidate in clinical psychology, stays home to care for his two-year-old child. His wife works two jobs outside the home, while he has a flexible work-from-home setup. Despite his commitment to gender equity and promoting the involvement of fathers in parenting, he too finds himself questioning his role. “I feel like sometimes I’m being watched, like when I’m doing dishes, by some kind of male oversight hierarchy group somewhere that’s watching me and keeping tabs and saying, ‘Why do you do the dishes so much?'”

Even though Taylor does contribute financially to his family, he sometimes experiences feelings of guilt over not being the primary breadwinner. “I struggle with feeling like I’m not providing for my family,” he says. “Internally, I struggle with the question of whether I’m just the guy who stays at home, kept by his wife while she brings home the bacon.”

If he were not earning any income at all and his wife had to support the family, with his main contribution being caring for their daughter, how would he feel? Taylor doesn’t hesitate to answer. “I couldn’t handle it. No,” he says.