Parental Estrangement: When Parents Cut Ties with their Children

When parents sever ties with their children

Eleanor hasn’t spoken with her son in over a year, who is currently in prison due to his opioid addiction that has persisted for more than a decade. “He’s tried to call me, probably to ask for money, and I have not been picking up,” explains Eleanor, who resides in England. “Right now, that’s the right decision for my safety and sanity.” As the primary caregiver for her son’s young daughter, Eleanor’s priority is to provide a nurturing and secure environment for her granddaughter to grow up in.

Eleanor recalls her son as an impulsive and destructive child with a wicked sense of humour and a kind heart. However, as a teenager, his behaviour turned hostile and he began locking himself in the toilet for hours at a time, telling her she was the one on drugs when she confronted him. When Eleanor discovered he was using heroin, she didn’t know where to turn. He would disappear for days, returning with all kinds of injuries, and when he was home, he was difficult to be around. He never hit her, but would often destroy their flat in anger. Not wanting to say anything in case he got violent, she began keeping her earnings in a belt around her waist. She ultimately felt unsafe living with someone deep in addiction and cut contact with him.

The parent-child relationship is expected to be a lifelong bond, but for some parents, maintaining this connection can be challenging. Eventually, a parent might feel they have reached a point of no return and choose to step away from their role.

In an ever more divided world, discussions about children who cut off contact with their parents have become commonplace. However, the opposite also occurs, even if it is less frequently discussed. This may be due, in part, to data suggesting that parents severing ties with their children is less common. A 2015 study by the British charity Stand Alone, which focuses on estrangement, found that only 5% of estranged parents had initiated the separation themselves.

The decision to sever ties with one’s child is already difficult and painful, and those who experience this estrangement say its relative rarity makes it especially isolating. Additionally, it can contribute to the stigma for those who choose to pursue this path.

The Pitfalls of Unconditional Love

“In both research and popular culture, there is a lack of discussion about parents who estrange themselves from their children because it is considered taboo, and there are few non-judgmental spaces to openly talk about the experience,” explains Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England, Bristol, who specializes in estrangement.

According to Blake, the reasons why parents sever ties with their children are similar to those cited by children who cut off contact with their parents. These reasons may include family conflict, differences in personal values (such as religious beliefs), substance abuse, and other toxic behaviors. The Stand Alone research showed that for relationship breakdowns with sons, issues related to divorce, in-laws, and marriage were the most commonly reported drivers; while with daughters, mental health problems and emotional abuse were more common.

However, the decision to sever ties with their children tends to be far more challenging and ultimately difficult for parents. Societally, parents are expected to cherish and care for their children unconditionally. “We have very high, almost godlike expectations of a parent, where we want them to be unconditionally loving,” explains Blake. “This can be quite problematic, as it suggests they should accept any kind of treatment, including all kinds of psychological and financial abuse.”

In a world that is becoming increasingly polarized, it is common to hear about children who stop speaking to their parents. However, the reverse can also happen, although it is discussed less frequently. This may be due in part to the fact that data indicates that parents severing ties with their children is rarer. A 2015 study by the British estrangement charity Stand Alone showed that 5% of estranged parents had initiated it themselves. The decision to end a relationship with one’s child can be difficult and painful, and those who experience estrangement say its relative rarity makes it especially isolating and can add to stigma for those who choose to pursue this path.

“In both research and popular culture, we rarely hear from parents who estrange themselves from their children because it is so taboo, and there are very few non-judgmental places to speak openly about the experience,” explains Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England, Bristol, who specializes in estrangement.

According to Blake, the reasons parents end relationships with their children are similar to the reasons children cut off their parents, and among the most commonly cited are family conflict, differences in personal values (such as religious beliefs), substance abuse, and other toxic behavior. The Stand Alone research showed that for relationship breakdowns with sons, issues linked to divorce, in-laws, and marriage were the most widely reported drivers, while with daughters, mental-health problems and emotional abuse were more common.

Yet, this decision to cut ties with children tends to be far more challenging and ultimately difficult. Societally, parents are expected to cherish and care for their offspring unconditionally. “We have very high, almost godlike expectations of a parent, where we want them to be unconditionally loving,” explains Blake. “This can be quite problematic, as it suggests they should accept any kind of treatment, including all kinds of psychological and financial abuse.”

This is perhaps why, even when their children are hurting them, parents struggle to let go. Jennifer Storey, a psychology lecturer at the University of Kent, UK, who specializes in interpersonal violence, finds that in most of her interviews with victims of elder abuse, parents are still worried and sad for their children. “I am struggling to remember one parent who really wanted to cut their child off – they almost always wanted the relationship to continue, but the abuse to end,” she explains.

It can also be challenging for them and the people around them to accept the reality of what is happening. “Parents are assumed to have all the power, but as the child grows older, that power dynamic shifts,” says Amanda Holt, author of the book Adolescent-to-Parent Abuse: Current Understandings in Research, Policy, and Practice. “The lack of belief that child-parent abuse can happen, or that it can be so bad a parent needs to leave, is another reason that it’s so difficult to walk away.”

The “intergenerational stake hypothesis” may also be at work. This theory suggests that parents are typically more emotionally, financially, and physically invested in the parent-child relationship than their children. Greater positive ties with children are associated with a parent’s improved well-being, a higher quality of life, and lower depressive symptoms; greater positive ties with a parent do not guarantee the same benefits. This means that the parent’s choice to sever contact with a child, whether abruptly or gradually, carries the weight of failure.

“Parenthood is a role and identity that commands respect and admiration, and it is also a transformative and lifelong experience,” explains Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West England, Bristol, who specializes in estrangement. “When parents do not have an active relationship with their children, they may feel they have failed in this role, which can cause intense feelings of pain and shame, changing or challenging how parents think about themselves and their identity.”

Given these factors, it can be more challenging for parents to sever ties with their children than it is for the children themselves. “It could certainly be a different kind of pain because for parents, there’s the possibility that their life seems emptier or less meaningful,” says Blake. Many parents will also lose friendships and relationships with other family members as a result. “The loss and pain that accompanies estrangement has a ripple effect that touches many different aspects of people’s lives,” says Blake.