Navigating requests for financial help, particularly from family members, can be challenging. It’s often tough to refuse a plea for assistance, especially when it involves money. However, it’s vital to recognize that interweaving family and financial matters can lead to complexities, particularly when declining help is the desired response.
According to personal finance advisor Lynnette Khalfani-Cox, people sometimes plunge into debt to assist others, a decision that can be financially detrimental. Khalfani-Cox emphasizes the necessity of establishing clear boundaries and defining the kind of aid to offer and the conditions under which it will be provided.
This involves addressing the needs of siblings, children, and aging parents—individuals with whom establishing boundaries might be particularly challenging but ultimately crucial. So, how does one tactfully deter family members from requesting financial support? The following guidance and steps could be beneficial.
In situations where individuals face job losses, illnesses, accidents, divorce, or challenging life phases, it’s crucial to discern whether the circumstances prompting a financial request are a rare emergency or part of recurring financial troubles.
Determining if the person’s plea is tied to an unusual and dreadful situation or whether it’s intended to shield them from the repercussions of their actions is essential. Is your aid perpetuating detrimental behavior, essentially shielding them from the outcomes of their decisions? Lynnette Khalfani-Cox questions the rationale behind providing help if financial institutions themselves are reluctant to extend financial support.
If you find it challenging to decline assistance, introspection is key. Understanding why you feel compelled to agree when it endangers your set boundaries is crucial. Khalfani-Cox stresses the importance of avoiding assuming the role of someone’s financial rescuer or envisioning catastrophic outcomes if you refrain from intervening.
Preparing for financial conversations, especially those involving declining requests for assistance, is essential. Offering a simple “no” without the need for detailed justifications is acceptable.
If you’re worried that saying “no” might negatively affect your relationship, expressing your concerns is crucial. Lynnette Khalfani-Cox suggests straightforwardly stating, “I don’t believe this is healthy for you or our relationship. I’m not trying to hurt you, but I do need to establish financial boundaries.”
To ease the discomfort surrounding these discussions, Christine Manley, a licensed clinical psychologist from Nashville, recommends drafting a script or practicing the conversation with a trusted individual. Manley emphasizes that setting boundaries is an ongoing process, not just a single conversation. “It’s merely the act of declining requests that make you uncomfortable as soon as they arise,” she explains.
For a parent approached by an adult child seeking financial aid, Manley suggests conveying the desire to work toward their child’s independence. “I want to strive for a situation where you’re not reliant on me,” she proposes. In addition, working collaboratively with your child to devise a plan leading to financial autonomy over a specific timeline is another approach.
Remember: Short-term guilt is preferable to long-term resentment. It’s not uncommon to experience guilt when declining a family member’s request for financial aid, particularly for women. Christine Manley points out that women often feel social pressure to feel guilty when refusing, but experiencing guilt doesn’t equate to being unkind. It’s essential to recognize that it’s okay to refuse things that make you uncomfortable.
While guilt might be momentary, ongoing and grating chronic resentment resulting from giving beyond your means can be far worse.
Accepting that upsetting someone is a natural consequence of establishing boundaries is crucial. “Every time you’re striving to set healthy boundaries, it’s likely to upset people,” remarks Manley. Lynnette Khalfani-Cox emphasizes that people should worry more about succumbing to uncomfortable requests rather than the potential to offend. “No one’s love and familial relationships should be contingent upon their capability or willingness to provide financial assistance,” Khalfani-Cox concludes.